2013 HTW Wolves Draft Board

We all know the NBA Draft is tomorrow, right? If not, you’ve probably been living in a cave because this is the week of rumors galore plus endless hours of draft coverage everywhere you look. So only to pile on the onslaught you’ve probably already run in to, HTW has created our very own Timberwolves Draft Board, but with a twist.

Our rankings are legit. All three of us — Tom, Derek and myself — took time to create our individual lists and then compiled them into a comprehensive draft board based on the Wolves’ needs and value. But to make it a little less dry than your average draft coverage, which are typically based on nothing but rumors, we created blurbs to spice it up a bit and add just a touch of humor.

Snarky but accurate, here is our draft board: 

1. Victor Oladipo
Timberwolves need a shooting guard that can A) Shoot; B) play defense. I don’t understand the question. — Derek
2. Ben McLemore
This would be nice except nice things don’t happen to the Timberwolves. — Tom
3. Nerlens Noel
Wolves need size. Also the flat top counteracts with Ricky’s mop top beautifully. Great contrast. — Jonah
4. Alex Len
I mean, would they really say no if Len fell this far? The kid is projected to go as high as…*scans up and down* oh, number one. So fused ankle be damned, they could take him and bring him off the bench behind Pekovic. — Derek
5. Otto Porter
He’s not better than AK47. Literally, that’s all I got. — Jonah
6. Kentavious Caldwell-Pope
I would be happy to sit and watch Pope pull up for jumpers for days. — Tom
7. CJ McCollum
It’d be turn-back-the-clock night on draft night with an unfortunate resurgence of 2009 Timberwolves point guard jokes centered around “THE REVENGE OF KAHN.” — Derek
8. Shabazz Muhammed
I don’t love Bazz’s game but he without a doubt was the Danny Almonte of high school basketball, which is pretty cool. — Jonah

9. Cody Zeller
Thing I keep saying to myself over and over when I see his name linked to Minnesota: “He’s not Tyler He’s not Tyler He’s not Tyler He’s not Tyler.” — Tom
10. Trey Burke
Although a point guard, his name is “Trey,” something the Wolves desperately need. — Jonah
11. Anthony Bennett
Bennett is an undersized tweener forward who apparently can’t play a lick of defense and has put on some 20 pounds since his surgery, which is also concerning because apparently he lacks the ambition to do the little things. Oh, but he can score! — Derek
12. Kelly Olynyk
A mediocre defender with nice back-to-the-basket moves and very long hair, Olynyk is probably the most fun replacement for Pek we’d be able to find. — Tom
Hey, Tom! Isn’t his hair fantastic? — Derek
13. Steven Adams
Ooh, shiny potential. Look! He’s so tall! — Derek
Going from Pek to Adams on the offensive end would be the saddest of sad trombones. — Tom
14. Sergey Karasev
The name just screams Timberwolves. — Jonah
15. Michael Carter-Williams
The Timberwolves have no business drafting MCW. That’s not even a joke. — Jonah
16. Jamaal Franklin
Wasn’t this the kid Sean Connery taught to write in Finding Forrester? I think that Jamal was a shooting guard in the movie, too. — Derek
A poor man’s Kawhi Leonard. And I mean flat broke. — Jonah

17. Reggie Bullock
I would not be mad if they could nab him at 26, but that’s not how these things work. — Derek
18. Mason Plumlee
Somewhere, David Kahn would be nodding appreciatively over this pick. — Tom
19. Shane Larkin
Or with his wingspan should we call him “T-Rex”? Amirite? (Sorry, that was mean.) — Derek
Larkin would either be tradebait or fair warning to JJ Barea and Luke Ridnour that it’s time they put their houses on the market. — Tom
20. Gorgui Dieng
Dieng was a 23 year old Junior last year, evoking Timberwolves’ fans fondest Wes Johnson memories. — Derek
Gorgui the Pimp. — Jonah

21. Rudy Gobert
Gobert is 7’2 with a 7’9 inch wingspan, once again proving that God wants some people to play basketball more than you. — Tom
22. Allen Crabbe
Long, lanky and enormous ears. IS THAT REGGIE MILLER MUSIC? I’m sold. — Tom
Wow, Tom wasn’t kidding. Those ears could tune in satellite radio. — Jonah
Screen Shot 2013-06-26 at 2.16.36 PM23. Ricky Ledo
Character issues but… — Jonah

24. Giannis Adetokunbo
You could get vertigo from Adetokunbo’s upside, but the Wolves want to win now. — Tom
One, he’s a small forward. Two, spelling. — Derek
25. Tim Hardaway Jr.
Because his Dad was good? — Derek
He was so mediocre at everything on the court but still… — Jonah
26. Glen Rice Jr.
I remember watching your Dad play, Junior. — Derek (He’s old)
27. Jeff Withey
Roughly as appealing to me as Steven Adams, only not as strong. — Tom
28. Lucas Nogueria
Well, since the Timberwolves’ other Brazilian center is unlikely to ever get to the NBA, why not? Also, all of the “Flip Saunders gets a Brazilian!” jokes would be in play. — Derek
29. Tony Snell
At least the pun potential is fun here: “Man, Tony stinks. Or should I say he SNELLS!” I’ll see myself out. — Tom
30. Archie Goodwin
Where’s Archie? — Jonah
Seriously, can you find Archie Goodwin? It took me like 10 painstaking minutes.

About Jonah Steinmeyer

Been a Wolves fan for probably way too long to be considered a sane human anymore. An avid golfer in my free time.