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This lockout feels like the first hour of a very long shift at a job you hate. At this point, you haven’t missed out on anything yet. But looking ahead, everything appears so bleak and discouraging that you have to complain about it.
However, I think it’s clear the owners are getting somewhere.
After all, the players are obviously reeling. Turning a bunch of millionaires loose with nothing but time on their hands? They are locked out of their practice facilities. They can’t have trainers and coaches screaming at them all day. In fact, they can’t talk to their trainers or coaches. The horrors. How awful for them. They are like a direction-less bunch of sheep; sheep with nothing to do but plank Porsches and hang out on the beach with women so hot they were listed as a threat to the planet in “An Inconvenient Truth”.
I know you just clicked that link and you are wondering the same thing as me: “are those women really really tall, or is Kevin actually a lot shorter than he is listed?” I wish I could tell you.
But seriously, Kevin? Shaving your head into an awesome bro-hawk? Signing with Jose Cuervo as a sponsor? Taking up professional beach volleyball? Can you try to at least LOOK like this lockout is bumming you out? Just for the rest of us who are stuck here in the midwest fantasizing about the next time we might actually get to see you in uniform. And I’m not talking about a Cuervo uniform, either, unless you can somehow convince the NBA to broadcast your beach volleyball games on League Pass.
Love was having so much fun, in fact, that it became necessary to bring him down a couple notches. WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY, KEVIN? PLAYERS IN THE NBA WERE CHEERING AGAINST THE HEAT?! KEVIN LOVE HATES THE HEAT, EVERYBODY! HE SAYS THEY ARE AWFUL PEOPLE! SPREAD IT AROUND!
(Sigh) I shouldn’t even have to do this, but Kevin’s exact wording:
[Did people around the league enjoy seeing Miami lose?] Oh yeah, great amount of joy out of it. Plus, for me, they say nice guys, good guys finish last. But Dallas, they just had a slew of great guys and veterans on their team that made for just a great team. It wasn’t just two, three, four guys on the team, like Miami I kind of felt it was. Around the league, it was kind of a consensus that guys were happy.
No, really? Guys were happy because there were some great guys in Dallas who finally won a championship…and because the Mavericks were a team rather than a group of talented individuals? That sounds ridiculous! That sounds like…the rest of America. How absurd to find that players are human beings too.
This lockout is turning us all into idiots. Actually worse…this lockout is turning us into junior high gossip girls.
So you know what? This stuff is unequivocally awesome. You know that long-ass shift I mentioned above? Love is like the coworker who makes it all a little less crappy. If this lockout manages to bum out Kevin Love, we will have a truly serious catastrophe on our hands.
Ignore all of us, 42. Party on.